Movie Review Time!

It's been a long time since I've written one of these.... It's not like I haven't been watching movies or whatever, but I just haven't sat down to write the reviews... So this one is going to be pretty massive...

Anyway, here we go...

• Lumumba - I do respect the intent to tell this story. Africa is still, today, a place of very diverse political climates. Some countries in Africa are fairly stable, albeit 3rd world, while others are completely unstable with very little to speak of in the way of police/government rule. But this is a movie review, and not a politics lesson. So that's sort of why I don't really like this movie. I honestly found it dry and boring, like a saltine cracker. I suppose you could eat one if you're really hungry for something, but when you have a choice between a saltine and a hamburger, well, I sincerely doubt people would eat the saltine...
  
• Crash - How did this movie win any kind of award for anything than being the most pretentious, piece of shit movie over the last 30 years?! Nobody in real life would ever have the kinds of blatantly racist conversations as what took place in this movie. Furthermore, the chance of this many people's lives intersecting so consistently for like a couple hours is so low that you'd have a better chance at winning the lottery. I mean, half the m-f'ers in this movie shoulda just bought lottery tickets so they could afford a new house in a neighborhood way far away from all the minorities they seemed to dislike... At least Lumumba was just a boring movie. This is boring AND insulting. Congrats on doing that!
  
• The Element of Crime - This was a really bizarre/interesting film. Lars von Trier has solidified a place as one of my favorite directors. This movie was so great. I don't know exactly why but I just found this one so fascinating, how he put this story together... Definitely worth watching this.
  
• Titus - I don't even know what this movie was supposed to be about. It was like watching a poorly acted Shakespeare play or something. And I don't mean William Shakespeare. A play written by his mutant half-brother's cousin's sister's husband, Greg Shakespeare. Holy shit... Both terrible and uninteresting at the same time... I found many parts to be unwatchable.
  
• 300 - What to say about this? As movies go, it was ok I guess... It certainly was not a thinly-veiled homosexual thrill ride. I mean, a movie about a band of 300 macho burly beefcakes wearing nothing but speedos and capes, out camping in the mountains together, flexing, sweating, and fighting, and rolling around the battlefield with some hairy Persian warriors. Nope. Nuthin' gay at all about that...
  
• Final Destination - This was... Strange... But like, not in a good way. Pretty much some high school kids cheat death because of one dude's psychic premonitions. But "death" in this movie, instead of being the grim reaper, who can kill with a touch, is some mystical flying gelatinous goo whose super power is in constructing Goldberg-esque booby traps, which are easily avoided by a group of wily teens. If that premise doesn't scare you, then this movie won't either. It was a good effort though.
  
• Superman Returns - This director guy directed the X-men movies. Yet, how come those were kinda shitty (not bad, but still shitty), when this was actually kinda good sorta? I didn't not like it, which is to say that I found that I didn't hate it. The problem with this movie though (and all Superman movies) is that pretty much you can't make a sequel. He defeated the green kryptonite and his main arch-enemy. So, anything else would be kinda pointless now.
  
• The Illusionist -This movie was pretty good. Edward Norton is a great actor. I very much like the movies he's been in. The girl is kind of a bad actress, and the "European" accents are pretty terrible, like, amateurish. But if you can get past the girl and the bad accents, you'll find an entertaining movie.
  
• Ocean's Eleven - I'll just come out and say it. This movie sucked dirty buttholes. Who watches this shit? I would rather watch Crash again, than this shit. These guys have enough money to build a detailed scale model of the casino, as well as construct a working life-sized simulation of the vault they're breaking into, complete with security guards. Fuck. Why the fuck would you need to rob a casino if you can afford all this fucking equipment?!?!
  
• 8 1/2 - Federico Fellini... Someone I knew in college was a fan of his movies. This was allegedly his masterpiece or whatever. Terry Gilliam seemed to think so too. I liked it I think. But I found it a little hard to follow, just because parts are kind of bizarre. And it's all in Italian. I don't think you'll be missing something from your life, if you never see this movie. But it was like sorta good for a bit. And who knows, maybe you'll feel some resonance with this movie. I dunno. I sure didn't.
  
• South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut - I like South Park... The TV show... But this movie was pretty terrible. I dunno. I didn't find it funny at all. I think it was the musical segments or something which drove me nuts. But pretty much it was not funny. It pretty much lacked all the stuff that made the TV show kinda good or whatever. At least I didn't pay for it... hahahaha... bleargh.....
  
• Superbad - Hmmmm.... I guess there were parts of this movie that illicited a chuckle. But I dunno. High school kids probably found this seriously funny.... And with good reason... It's the kind of unsophisticated locker room humor stuff that children would think is fucking hilarious...... Yeah... That was kinda mean, I guess....
• The Fountain - I dunno about this. Wolverine was kind of a psycho in this. He's like seriously obsessed with his dead wife. Like, seriously obsessed... But, in a way, I still sorta liked it, meaning that I did not dislike it.... Which is to say that you should also not not watch it....
  
• American Psycho - Boy, the Batman was a fucking whack job, wasn't he? Holy shit.... I really liked this movie. I think I will try to read the book too... But the movie was pretty good. You should watch this one. Oh, and this was the uncut version or extended cut version or director's cut version or whatever the fuck version it was.... I don't think it was the theatrical version though... Not like I know the difference. But.... Yeah....
  
• Red Beard - This movie was ok. It was quite long actually. I just didn't like it as much as some of the other Kurosawa films. It was still tons better than "Crash" or whatever. But compared to some of the other ones I watched of his movies, it's not as good as, say.... Hidden Fortress or Yojimbo or whatever else I watched.... Still worth watching though, if you never seen this...
  

Anyway.... There you go.... I'll probably be posting these things a lot less frequently. It's pretty grueling to watch this much stuff all the time.... So whatever. I'll post 'em when I post 'em... Hope you liked this one....