35 posts tagged “movie reviews”

I recently got this habanero hot sauce (the green stuff) which really hits the spot in terms of heat/intensity. Gawd, even just thinking about it stirs up the salivary glands... Anywho, after cruising around on their site, it looks like they got a hot sauce which is 11,600 scoville's, as compared to this green stuff's 9,000 scoville rating. First of all, where can I get some of that? Second, if I get some of that, why would I eat it? I guess it's part of the adventurous side to be tempting fate with that kind of stuff. A buddy of mine tried to eat a habanero burger at the now-defunct Prince of Wales Pub, but ultimately didn't after we ate one of their "Firecrackers" (the habanero sauce on a saltine). But what I found that happened after that whole incident, my tolerance for spiciness reached a whole new threshold. Even today, most regular hot sauces (looking in your direction Tabasco) do very little but give a little tickle. I know it's probably not good for my stomach, but gah... Sometimes, you just need that hit of spice to get going, you know?

Here's the movies from last week:

• Cube - This is some kind of Canadian sci-fi film about people trapped in what is essentially a giant Rubik's cube (I'm not joking). Basically this movie sucked. But mainly, the acting was so bad that it basically made the movie bad. That much ham is really only good between 2 slices of bread. The idea for the story wasn't bad, but damn, they shoulda got better actors.
  
• The Virgin Suicides - Someone I knew from way back when, read the book way before it was super popular or famous or whatever. I never bothered to read it, but when I first heard that the movie was coming out, I thought I should actually try and go see it. But I never did.... Until now... I liked the movie in general, but I think it's pretty clear that the book is far superior to the movie version. But what is it about acting where, like in the Cube, you can just tell that actors suck, whereas good actors can take an ok script and make it kinda good?
• A Nightmare on Elm Street - Man... When did i first see this? I don't even remember... But man, this is so '80s horror.... I love it. Freddy Krueger.... Blah blah blah.... Go watch it.
  
• The Dark Knight - So, I wanted to watch this again because I wanted to see if my first review from watching it in the theater still holds up. You know what? It doesn't. The only good thing about this movie was Heath Ledger's (R.I.P.) performance as the Joker. Well, Two-Face was ok too. But seriously, this Batman dude is terrible. He really needs to stop talking like he has strepped throat. Why did he do that? It's so ridiculous. I almost laugh everytime he has dialog as the Batman. Plus that new Batmobile is stupid. They really ought to make a cool sports car Batmobile. Not a fucking armored tank. If you're making a tank, put a really fucking huge gun on it. But they didn't. Because they're stupid. Batman drives a tank that has no tank gun. All the fucking money in the world to make a tank that has no huge cannon on it. Lame.
  
• Sling Blade - I never watched this, mainly because I thought Billy Bob Thornton (BBT) was really creepy. I mean, the dude had Angelina Jolie's blood in a vial that he wore as a necklace. WTF?! Anyway, he was creepy enough to me to tell me that I shouldn't watch some creepy dude's movies. But then I watched it and I thought it was really quite good. I think this was the "Director's Cut" or something, so I guess it was different from the theatrical version. BBT is still creepy. I doubt his creepiness will drive me to go see any other movies he's been in. But I liked this one, and he wrote/directed/starred in it... So maybe I should give Creepy BBT a second chance....

Anyway, one of these days, I will get that super hot, hot sauce and probably do a post about my experience whenever I get around to finding a bottle. But for now, you get my movie reviews.... :D

I've been trying to start my movie review posts with something kind of interesting. But I find that this week it's a lot harder because there's not much on my mind these days. Well, I guess that's not 100% accurate, but anyway... I think instead of trying to write something interesting, I'll just get into the reviews....

• Quills - I don't remember if I reviewed this before. I think I've seen this, but I don't really remember. Anyway, it wasn't bad. I like the actors/actresses in this movie. It wasn't totally mind-blowingly good, but it wasn't a terrible movie either. I guess my endorsement is pretty lukewarm, but it's more on the positive side than the shitty side.
  
• Vampire Hunter D - I saw the tail end of this anime many many years ago when KTEH in San Jose showed Japanese animation late at night. Anyway, I found this movie to be fairly average to kind of boring. Maybe it's because it's kind of old. Maybe I'm just not into Japanese cartoons like I used to be. But I dunno... To me, this one is a bit overrated as far as these things go. Was there a manga series before the movie came out? Maybe that's better...
  
• Chocolat - Someone I knew, many many years ago, suggested that I watch this. They told me it was really really good and what not. But I dunno. I didn't really like it. It's a cute little movie, and I kind of like how it's sort of fairy tale-ish. But it's kind of a chick movie... And it makes sense that a girl recommended me this one...
  
• Romper Stomper - So this was D-bag Crowe's first movie or something. It's really odd to see that D-bag Crowe actually kind of did some interesting stuff early in his career. Like, WTF happened? The guy kinda turned out to be a giant douchebag, but here he is... In Romper Stomper.... Starring as a neo-Nazi skinhead guy... Anyway, as movies go, it wasn't the best movie, but it was far more interesting than most movies. A really good movie about neo-Nazi's is one called The Believer... This was not nearly as good as that one, but still... I enjoyed it.
  
• Falling Down - Ok.... This has to be one of the best movies ever. I mean, something about it just speaks to me. The guy is just fed up and isn't gonna take it anymore, and goes out and does something about his situation. Now, sure, he kind of goes off the deep end (literally) at the end, but like... Everything leading up to the ending is just some really compelling storytelling. And on top of that, it's hard to imagine that it's actually Michael Douglas playing the dude that "fell down". If you've never seen this movie, you really should. Great flick....

Ok. That does it for this week. Look for more next week!

This week, I got some decent things to watch. I wasn't super confident about my picks for this past week, but they turned out ok. Here they are:

• Independence Day - So, I've never seen this movie before this week. The reason is, well.... I just looked terrible. I mean, how the hell would some random aliens know which of our national monuments to blow up? WTF?! Anyway... it was terrible. This is probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen, and it's a little shocking to me that, if memory serves, this was a fairly popular flick... Yikes!
  
• Elizabeth - I got this because I've always thought that Cate Blanchett was a good actress. And certainly, there are some good scenes, but I found this to be mostly disappointing... I do like that they tried to "humanize" the royalty... But still... It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be... It's not bad... Just not good.
  
• Black Christmas - This is the forefather of the slasher film or something... At least, that's what it says on the box. I don't know what it is about horror movies, but I do find them fun to watch... At least when they're good. Some horror movies are just dumb... But this one was good. It has things in it that are fairly standard for the genre, but if you think about it, this movie is probably what set the standard for a lot of horror movies to come. Go watch it!
  
• Oldboy - Oh man... This movie was great! Holy crap... Some really messed up things happen to the main character, but damn.... It was a really good movie. Oh, and this director has a new movie coming out... It's about vampires or something, I think... I might go see it this weekend.
  
• Repo Man - As the movie started, I actually thought it was gonna be about repo men... Then I thought, god... How boring... But then, the movie is really not about repo men... I mean, it has repo men in it... But it ended up being about other stuff... Which was just fine by me. Really liked this one. It's just really bizarre...

In all, only Independence Day was really the worst. The other 4 were either not bad or really good. I am going to go make some coffee and then go get some more DVD's. See you back here next week.

My posting frequency has really dropped off as of late, mainly because I'm reaching a level of apathy... hahahaha... So mostly what I've been writing about are the movies I've been borrowing from the library, which although may have some level of value, they're probably less interesting than when I'm griping about stuff... I'll see if I can stir up some more venom...

I started to write something about the passing of John Hughes, but it kind of sounded lame, so I deleted it and you're reading what has replaced it. Anyway, he died and I feel bad because he made some really great stuff. If you've never watched anything by him, you're probably far too young to know much about the '80s and perhaps his films won't make sense to you (which is a scary thought). But watch them anyway, because they do seem to have some cultural value... I mean... Breakfast Club? Ferris Bueller? Sixteen Candles? Gawd... So many greats...

Here's the reviews....

• Enigma - I don't know what to say about this movie. It's got some decent performances in it. And on a certain level, I was worried that it would be similar to the crappy British Victorian love dramas in how proper/pompous all these people behaved. But it wasn't like that, so that was a positive. It really wasn't that good of a movie though. So in the end, I gotta say that I just didn't really like it. But I think there's a certain kind of person out there who would say this is one of the best movies ever.... I'm just not one of them.
  
• Charlie Bartlett - This movie was fucking stupid. I don't know what else to say other than that.
  
• The Hills Have Eyes - This is the original Wes Craven version from way back when. I think on a certain level, when compared to "today's horror movies", there's a bit that's lost. I mean, it's still a fairly intense movie. But I think because it's from the '70s, it really looks like it's from the '70s which sort of takes it down a notch. I'm not interested at all in the remake, but I think the scariness of this has waned a bit over the years. Still worth a look for people who've not seen this.
  
• Who's that Knocking at My Door - This is like, Scorsese's first film or something, and it's great! Just go watch it.
  
• Timecrimes - The problem with movies which involve time travel is that they have to figure out what to do with the many instances of the main character, which get generated by the main character jumping around in time. This movie was an interesting idea but totally failed at the execution. There are so many problems with the story, mainly related to the time travel stuff. Ultimately, it was a really dumb movie. Filmed well... But stupid. The only movie that dealt with time travel in a relatively good way, are like, Back to the Future, and Donnie Darko.... Stay away from this one....

Ok.... More next week.

I've actually been watching a ton of movies, but I've just not gotten around to writing about them. Not sure why that is, but I'm retroactively doing the duty now... So, apologies for the longer review post this week, but when did that ever stop me?

• The Wild One - So, maybe way back when, the kind of stuff that people did in this movie was sorta controversial. I mean, the whole idea of a youth movement was really starting back in the '50s. So, I guess I kind of wanted to like this movie, but it was really weird to watch a bunch of grown men kind of doing childish pranks, which by today's standards is just kind of odd. I do respect that it's a classic and all that, but, well, no..... Just, no...
  
• Spartan - God, was this ever boring or what? Iceman has really changed... I didn't find this movie all that interesting... At all... And it seemed to want to kind of be good too.... Oh well...
  
• Naked Lunch - There was a period of time in my youth when the writings of William S. Borroughs seemed really exciting to me. So I tried reading "Naked Lunch" one time, and was thoroughly disappointed. I don't think I even got through the first few chapters.... Anyway, the movie version of the psychedelic book was ok. It had a lot of really strange things happen during the movie, and I guess it was kind of fun in the end... But I only watched it once, and didn't really feel an overwhelming urge to watch it again...
  
• Beowulf - I think I watched this in the theaters. But I don't remember. The technology behind this movie is cool. But the movie is pretty boring. Anything that wasn't mo cap was pretty poorly animated (horse riding.... I'm looking at you), and so it was a mixed bag of interesting vocal performances, combined with interesting technological advances, and some other really glaringly poor substitutions for live action.
  
• The Emperor and the Assassin - This was one of those movies which was sorta trying to rekindle the flame from Crouching Tiger.... And it ultimately failed. It wasn't a bad movie, by any stretch, but it just wasn't all that great.
  
• Badlands - I havta say.... I really liked this movie. In a way, it kind of reminded me of that movie Falling Down. But this was kinda different than that. I dunno what else to say. I liked it and that's all there is to say...
  
• The Prestige - Oh god.... I remember this movie came out around the same time as The Illusionist, which I reviewed earlier. It wasn't a bad movie, but it was really so focused on the craft of being a magician that I found it to be really lame. Nobody cares that much about people who do tricks. Only magicians think that people care. But really, we don't. And so this movie is kind of boring because it talks so much about the craft of magic-making.... But, David Bowie has a small part, which is cool.
• Into the Wild - I'm sorry, but the real guy who did this was a total retard. You want to see a story about a guy actually surviving in the wilderness? Go watch a documentary called "Alone in the Wilderness". It's about a man who survives in Alaska purely by his own skill. This movie, Into the Wild, is the story of some douchebag who has no idea that the wilderness sucks to live in, and basically dies because he's such a fucking douchebag and goes totally unprepared to deal with how harsh the natural world is.... I like cities because they provide things like grocery stores and restaurants, and I don't have to go eat poisonous berries and shit, just to survive. In this movie, they basically deified this guy, when he basically failed. Why do we celebrate failure? I don't understand... Fuck this movie. Go watch the other one instead.
  
• The Departed - This was actually pretty good. I was surprised. I don't like Leo that much, but hey, it was pretty good. Nicholson is ok in this as well, but I thought it was a good movie overall.
  
• Galaxy Quest - This was a lot funnier than I thought it would be. Granted, I didn't have high hopes, but overall, I thought it was a decent effort. Hey, it was a free movie.... I didn't pay money to watch this thing....
  
• Atonement - Holy shit, Keira Knightley is a fucking bag of bones. It's hard to imagine her as being sexy, or a desirable sex symbol when you're watching this emaciated skeleton wandering around a fancy British manor house. In the end, the movie wasn't bad, but I didn't really like it. Somebody tell Ms. Knightley to go eat a fuckin' cheeseburger....
  
• Serenity - I guess this is one of those cult classics? It sucked.
• The Seventh Seal - I was very disappointed by this movie. I really wanted it to be good, but it kinda wasn't. Snoozefest.... But, if you're into artsy films, this one is good to claim you have seen... Fucking posers....
  
• Howl's Moving Castle - Miyazakisan knows how to make fairy tales. This wasn't one of his best, but it was still enjoyable. I woudn't not see this, but I wouldn't make it a huge issue to go out and get a copy right away either.
• The Flying Scotsman - This is the story of my all-time favorite cyclist, Graeme Obree. Fuck Lance, and all those other douchey fucks... The real story about Mr. Obree is great.... The movie version was a little bit of a let down, but I still enjoyed it. You should just go read about him, if you want to know. Then maybe watch the movie.... I'll leave it up to you.
• BONUS Moon - This movie was fucking great! And it's even funnier because Sam Rockwell was also in Galaxy Quest.... hahahahaha.... But anyway, this was a really great movie and I think you all better go watch it, like, right now.....
  
• BONUS Star Trek - This movie was fun to watch, but the story was so bad, I have to take points away. Not as good as the old 'Treks' but the action ups the fun factor and actually kind of redeems the movie. Just don't try and pay attention to the stupid plot, because it's so mind-numbingly retarded that I think any 12-year-old boy could've come up with it...
  
• BONUS The Hangover - I really didn't find much about this movie all that funny. I think there were only a few moments where I laughed out loud. One of the best parts was Mike Tyson singing a Genesis song.... Holy shit.... That was almost worth the cost of admission. But if you never watch this movie, you're really not missing out on life.

So yeah... after my disappointing ice cream experience last night, I ended up just pounding a few beers and going to bed. Thank god the Canadians didn't screw up their beer-making abilities..... Anyway, I'm really exhausted after all that typing, plus it's fucking hot like the devil's sweaty butthole up here, so I'm just gonna stop now.

I mistakenly forgot that the library closes earlier on weekends. So... I actually still have these movies in my possession as of right this moment, something which I will rectify shortly. I suppose I should have been more on top of the checkout/return cycle, but sometimes... It's just kind of not relevant in a big picture kind of way. It's not good to have to pay the overdue fines, but I suppose for these kinds of momentary lapses, things could be worse. On with the show...

• Sunshine - This is a sci-fi movie by Danny Boyd, who did Trainspotting, etc. I thought it was an ok movie. It didn't blow me away or anything. I sort of expected more, I think, because of the other stuff I've seen from him. To reuse an analogy, it's like eating saltine crackers when you're hungry. They're a little dry, but you can get the job done. I don't know that I would recommend this one, but if you've got nothing else to do... This can burn some time....
  
• Lost in Translation - This movie was terrible, probably one of the worst I've ever seen. I've been to Japan many times, and I've never experienced the kind of bizarre cultural disconnects that are portrayed in this movie. It's borderline racist, in that the director is seemingly trying to malign an entire ethnicity. The director is basically trying to say that Japan and the Japanese are totally ignorant and backwards. But really, when you are in Japan, the fish out of water is not the Japanese, it's the fucking asshat Americans thinking that Japan should be just like America. Go fuck yourself whoever you are who directed this fucking piece of shit movie.
  
• Syriana - I did not hate this movie. I think the problem is that any movie that tries to "explain" the conflict in the Middle East is always going to come off sounding pretentious, and I think it's a topic that Hollywood should stay away from, because they're just gonna fuck it up. This movie wasn't bad, but I don't like being preached to about what I should think about this topic.
  
• Munich - Again, don't like being preached to about stuff. Why not just show a documentary about whatever happened in Munich? A documentary directed by Steven Spielberg would be fucking awesome! But no, he made a fairly mediocre movie about something I didn't really know about, and still don't really know what the story was about. I suppose if you already knew the ending, then you might have found this movie interesting, but if you knew the ending, why would you waste your time with this?
  
• I Am Legend - I was really surprised by this movie. I saw the original, The Omega Man, many many years ago. It is one of my favorites. When I first found out about this, and that they put Will Smith as the lead... Well, it just seemed kinda patronizing to intentionally flip the racial lines around. But now having seen this, I found that I really enjoyed it. I thought the CG mutant vampire people were really goofy looking. It almost made it into a comedy for me.... But the ending really put things all together in a way that I thought was actually interesting. I saw the version with the alternate ending, but again... Pandering bullshit. Stay away from the Disney-esque alternate ending. It's dumb.

Ok... Now I'm off to go pay some library fines...

Double the exclamation points means double the movies! Yep... I got 2 sets to review 'cuz (sadly) I've watched my latest set of 5 already.

• Hard Boiled - John Woo... This wasn't that great. Mostly made of weaksauce, but it has it's moments. I think there are other movies you could waste your time with.
  
• Don't Look Now - Between this, and the Body Snatchers movie, I think Donald Sutherland is the epitome of creepy '70s horror. Most of the beginning part was kinda boring, but man... The ending... I mean, it's nothing really shocking, but it just ups the creeper factor... Geh! It's worth it to see this just for that weird crap at the end. Plus, I dunno... The retro factor is nice too.
  
• Fear and Trembling - This is one of those ones that I saw on the shelf and thought "Hrmmmm.... This could be interesting..." and then I watched it and pretty much it wasn't. I suppose it gives a bit of a glimpse in to Japanese corporate life, but it's not like I would have any way to evaluate the truth. So you just have to take it at face value, and then it's just kinda retarded. I mean, it sorta defies you to believe that some of those people's behavior is mostly based on reality, and like, I just don't buy it. And even if it is true, the movie-fied version of it is still pretty retarded.
  
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - So you sci-fi purists out there will probably hate me, but I sorta liked this movie. What I liked is that it didn't take itself too seriously and just tried to be enjoyable. The little animated infographics were cool too. Interestingly enough, I am actually somewhat inspired to try and read the book now, as a result of watching this. Plus, WTF is Mos Def doing in this?! Crazy...
  
• We Own the Night - This was probably one of the most mediocre movies I've ever seen. It's not horrible, but it wasn't interesting. It pretty much walks a straight line right down the middle. Totally mediocre... Would you be let down if you saw it? I guess it depends on whether you think it would be good or total shit... Personally, I'd aim for total shit so you're actually impressed... :P
  
• The Forbidden Kingdom - Jet Li & Jackie Chan... With both of these dudes in one movie, you'd expect it to be totally fucking kick ass... But what this is, it's a fucking family movie... It's based on the old Chinese fable of the Monkey King, but I said "based on"... Meaning that they pretty much destroyed it with their stupid bullshit. And the kid in this movie is more pathetic than Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid... Don't waste your time with this crap.
  
• Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie - Ok... Humor me for a second while I let out my inner geek. I actually liked the TV program, back when Joel was the guy stuck out in space. Then I guess he got bored or rich or something and quit and they got this other guy Mike to be the "host". This movie had "Mike" as the host... It's really strange that they made a movie off of the TV show, mainly because it's a movie where you watch people watch movies.... It's one of the things I liked about the TV show. You actually got to watch all the campy/crappy movies from the good ol' days of crappy movies, but it's got a running (hilarious) dialog to go with it. The show was gloriously low budget, and for some reason, putting the Hollywood polish on things kinda made it less genuine. Anyway, I still don't like "Mike" as the host, but I must admit that I actually laughed out loud at some parts. So good job... I dunno if I'd have paid money for this, but I would buy DVD's of the old series with Joel...
  
• Scanners - I didn't actually get to see the whole thing. It's not my fault. The DVD was faulty, scratched or something. So at some point in the middle somewhere, it just dumps you back out to the title menu. So I kinda had to skip over some parts. But I guess since I watched the beginning, some of the middle, and the end, I guess this kind of counts as a total viewing. Cronenberg scores again with this one. It's not perfect, but I liked the unintentionally cheesy special effects. I miss that kind of shit in movies. Now it's all CG and it's just not believable. Sorry... Computer generated effects are not believable at all. They never will be, so just stop trying.
  
• Evil Dead - Man... I think I always got this confused with Army of Darkness. I never could understand why people liked this shit, but it's because I based my understanding on Army of Darkness, which is fucking terrible. And when you consider that Raimi also directed the boring Spiderman movies... I just couldn't figure out the following... Then I finally saw this.... Holy shit. Evil Dead is great! I mean, it's fucking retarded, but it's good. Totally glad I finally watched this. Oh, and this wins too in the bad special effects category.... Hahahahaha... ha...
  
• Ray - I think I may have watched and reviewed this already. I don't remember. Hopefully I don't contradict myself... hahahaha.... Anyway, I know Ray Charles did some great musical things with his life, but this movie was boring. I wish Hollywood would get their shit together and just make a documentary instead of making pseudo-factual movies. I mean, a Ken Burns-esque documentary about Ray Charles would be really cool and interesting. Instead, we have Jamie Foxx acting like a blind dude (somewhat poorly I might add...) and maybe portraying Ray Charles accurately. But since Mr. Charles died a few years back, there's no way to know if he did a good job or not. So why didn't they just make a documentary? I don't have a clue. And if you're interested in learning about the "Black Experience in America" you're much better off watching Eyes on the Prize instead of this thing...

Well, there it is... 10 movies... Yep. 10...

Yup....

Wow... Another set of reviews already... They only seem closer together because I'm not posting a bunch of shite all over my blog like I used to... I suppose I could go back to the shite, but that's a time commitment from me to figure out the shite, and a time commitment from you to read the shite, and it all means way too much commitment from everyone, when we should just be friends and hang out...

• Do the Right Thing - I seen this before, but man.... I love these old skool Spike Lee movies. Nothin' bad to say about it, just go check it out.
  
• American Gangster - I was not interested in this movie when it hit theaters, mainly because of my dislike of "Douchebag" Crowe (which you probably have read about in my earlier reviews). But, once again, the D-bag amazed me with this movie. He's still a d-bag, but he's a d-bag that can do some pretty amazing shit. Amazingly, I thought Denzel was the weaker of the 2 starring actors, when I really thought it would be the other way 'round. Not that Denzel was bad or anything.... Don't get me wrong.... I just thought the D-bag was actually that much better. I honestly think this movie is worth a look if you have not seen it yet.
  
• Donnie Brasco - Johnny Depp is still one of my favorite actors. I mean, there are a ton of great actors from the classic film days, but my personal opinion is that Mr. Depp will go down in history as one of the greatest. I know not everything he's done have been mainstream successes, but I think he has (or at least he used to...) an ecclectic taste in the choices of roles he's had over the years. Even in the less successful films, I've always enjoyed something about his work. To get off his jock for a moment, Al Pacino again delivers a stellar performance as well. And when you put the 2 of these dudes together, it's fucking magic. They should do more movies together some time. Please?
  
• The Host - This movie was a bit of a let down to be honest. I remember it was rated very highly by critics, but I dunno... It's sort of weak for a monster movie. Unlike the moderately acceptable "Cloverfield", in this movie, you get to see the monster throughout the movie, and not some douchey college kid's appalling inability to document something important on video. The problem is that in this case, you get to see the monster right away, and it ends up not really building up to anything later. So the monster just kinda does stuff and like, people win. Oh, sorry, that was a spoiler...
  
• Lost Highway - So I guess I didn't realize how much of a perv David Lynch is.... I guess it shoulda dawned on me earlier when I saw "Mullholland Dr.", but I guess I might have been distracted by something else during that one... uh.... yeah... Anyway, I saw bits and pieces of this movie during a party in college, and like, I didn't understand it because I didn't start from the beginning, you know? So, like, I dunno... Never really got around to watching the whole deal until now. All I can say, now that I've seen the whole thing, is that it's um... Good... Yeah.... Good....
  

...

Ok... There you go. Um... So to wrap up this set of reviews, uh.... Well... I think I'm just gonna end it here...

Wheeeee! More movies! Rhetorical question: Have you ever watched a movie despite knowing how terrible it would be? I guess really the issue is how do you know whether a movie will be horrible or not before you've even seen it? They say, don't judge a book by it's cover, but sometimes all we need is the cover to know how horrible a book will be... I think the first person to say "don't judge a book by it's cover" never read books like this...

Here's what I watched this week:

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - I was first introduced to this back when I was a kid. It was actually from a movie called Summer School (which is a good '80s movie) that I first heard of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Over the years I had seen clips and read about a person named, Ed Gein, but for some reason, never really bothered to watch the film in it's entirety, yet knew all about the mythos of Leatherface. Having now seen the film I can verifiably say that anyone who has never seen this film is basically missing out on one of the pantheon of great horror. Very few horror movies can shock/scare you in the way that this can. There are so many cringe-worthy sequences of gore and shocking horror, that I have no idea why I waited so long to see this masterpiece. Kids, if you've only seen the remake, which admittedly I have not, please scrape your eyeballs clean and remove the brain matter which will cause you to remember it, and go watch the original. Ok? (Disclaimer: Don't mutilate yourself cuz it's bad for you.)
  
• Deliverance - Following on the light-hearted theme of mutilation, cannibalism, and "bizarre home decor", we have a classic scene delivered in the deep woods from Deliverance. While there was no cannibalism and ill-advised interior decorating choices, there was a particular scene of... shall we call it mutilation? Um... Yeah, anyway. I did like the banjo scene, although, that kid really freaked me out... But all told, it was a good movie, and another one that you should see if you have not. (Mental note - No canoeing in the deep south or rural America)
  
• The Darjeeling Limited - This was supposed to be a comedy about 3 brothers doing something in India. But I found it hard to care about them at all to be perfectly honest. There were some "heart-warming" scenes between the 3 main actors at the end about acceptance and shit, but seriously? I dunno... I just find this guy's movies to be bland.... Bland like Wonder Bread... To make a movie in India of all places and to come away still with that Wonder Bread feel, that just blows me away. Congrats on making "The Most Boring Movie in One of the More Culturally Interesting Parts of the Globe!"
  
• The 40-Year-Old Virgin - I have to say, I was fairly unmoved by this movie. I laughed in a few spots, but I don't like comedies that are this cute. It's very saccharin and like the Wonder Bread movie I just reviewed, it left kind of a foul taste in my mouth. "Free" was a good price to pay to see this, and I don't think I would have liked spending more than $0.00 to go to the theater and watch this.
  
• Kagemusha - I honestly think I've exhausted the well of Kurosawa films after this one. I'm not saying this was bad. Actually there were some scenes in this that I don't think I've ever seen in cinema elsewhere. There was kind of a dream/hallucination sequence which totally blew me away. But I would have to say that my real favorites of his movies are Hidden Fortress, Yojimbo, and Sanjuro... Some of my favorite Mifune scenes in those as well. This was still a really enjoyable film and I liked much of what I saw. I just don't think it ranks up on my list of favorites. Oh well, you can't win 'em all.
  

To answer my own question from earlier, there are times when I've picked movies to review here, knowing full well that I wouldn't like them at all. Ocean's 11 was a good example of that. I don't know what my barometer is for determining whether or not I will or will not like a movie. It's purely a gut feeling, but that doesn't really explain anything. Or rather, it's a convenient way of avoiding explaining something in detail.

I've got some more movies right now for the next review post, so stay tuned.... (^_____^)

It's been a long time since I've written one of these.... It's not like I haven't been watching movies or whatever, but I just haven't sat down to write the reviews... So this one is going to be pretty massive...

Anyway, here we go...

• Lumumba - I do respect the intent to tell this story. Africa is still, today, a place of very diverse political climates. Some countries in Africa are fairly stable, albeit 3rd world, while others are completely unstable with very little to speak of in the way of police/government rule. But this is a movie review, and not a politics lesson. So that's sort of why I don't really like this movie. I honestly found it dry and boring, like a saltine cracker. I suppose you could eat one if you're really hungry for something, but when you have a choice between a saltine and a hamburger, well, I sincerely doubt people would eat the saltine...
  
• Crash - How did this movie win any kind of award for anything than being the most pretentious, piece of shit movie over the last 30 years?! Nobody in real life would ever have the kinds of blatantly racist conversations as what took place in this movie. Furthermore, the chance of this many people's lives intersecting so consistently for like a couple hours is so low that you'd have a better chance at winning the lottery. I mean, half the m-f'ers in this movie shoulda just bought lottery tickets so they could afford a new house in a neighborhood way far away from all the minorities they seemed to dislike... At least Lumumba was just a boring movie. This is boring AND insulting. Congrats on doing that!
  
• The Element of Crime - This was a really bizarre/interesting film. Lars von Trier has solidified a place as one of my favorite directors. This movie was so great. I don't know exactly why but I just found this one so fascinating, how he put this story together... Definitely worth watching this.
  
• Titus - I don't even know what this movie was supposed to be about. It was like watching a poorly acted Shakespeare play or something. And I don't mean William Shakespeare. A play written by his mutant half-brother's cousin's sister's husband, Greg Shakespeare. Holy shit... Both terrible and uninteresting at the same time... I found many parts to be unwatchable.
  
• 300 - What to say about this? As movies go, it was ok I guess... It certainly was not a thinly-veiled homosexual thrill ride. I mean, a movie about a band of 300 macho burly beefcakes wearing nothing but speedos and capes, out camping in the mountains together, flexing, sweating, and fighting, and rolling around the battlefield with some hairy Persian warriors. Nope. Nuthin' gay at all about that...
  
• Final Destination - This was... Strange... But like, not in a good way. Pretty much some high school kids cheat death because of one dude's psychic premonitions. But "death" in this movie, instead of being the grim reaper, who can kill with a touch, is some mystical flying gelatinous goo whose super power is in constructing Goldberg-esque booby traps, which are easily avoided by a group of wily teens. If that premise doesn't scare you, then this movie won't either. It was a good effort though.
  
• Superman Returns - This director guy directed the X-men movies. Yet, how come those were kinda shitty (not bad, but still shitty), when this was actually kinda good sorta? I didn't not like it, which is to say that I found that I didn't hate it. The problem with this movie though (and all Superman movies) is that pretty much you can't make a sequel. He defeated the green kryptonite and his main arch-enemy. So, anything else would be kinda pointless now.
  
• The Illusionist -This movie was pretty good. Edward Norton is a great actor. I very much like the movies he's been in. The girl is kind of a bad actress, and the "European" accents are pretty terrible, like, amateurish. But if you can get past the girl and the bad accents, you'll find an entertaining movie.
  
• Ocean's Eleven - I'll just come out and say it. This movie sucked dirty buttholes. Who watches this shit? I would rather watch Crash again, than this shit. These guys have enough money to build a detailed scale model of the casino, as well as construct a working life-sized simulation of the vault they're breaking into, complete with security guards. Fuck. Why the fuck would you need to rob a casino if you can afford all this fucking equipment?!?!
  
• 8 1/2 - Federico Fellini... Someone I knew in college was a fan of his movies. This was allegedly his masterpiece or whatever. Terry Gilliam seemed to think so too. I liked it I think. But I found it a little hard to follow, just because parts are kind of bizarre. And it's all in Italian. I don't think you'll be missing something from your life, if you never see this movie. But it was like sorta good for a bit. And who knows, maybe you'll feel some resonance with this movie. I dunno. I sure didn't.
  
• South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut - I like South Park... The TV show... But this movie was pretty terrible. I dunno. I didn't find it funny at all. I think it was the musical segments or something which drove me nuts. But pretty much it was not funny. It pretty much lacked all the stuff that made the TV show kinda good or whatever. At least I didn't pay for it... hahahaha... bleargh.....
  
• Superbad - Hmmmm.... I guess there were parts of this movie that illicited a chuckle. But I dunno. High school kids probably found this seriously funny.... And with good reason... It's the kind of unsophisticated locker room humor stuff that children would think is fucking hilarious...... Yeah... That was kinda mean, I guess....
• The Fountain - I dunno about this. Wolverine was kind of a psycho in this. He's like seriously obsessed with his dead wife. Like, seriously obsessed... But, in a way, I still sorta liked it, meaning that I did not dislike it.... Which is to say that you should also not not watch it....
  
• American Psycho - Boy, the Batman was a fucking whack job, wasn't he? Holy shit.... I really liked this movie. I think I will try to read the book too... But the movie was pretty good. You should watch this one. Oh, and this was the uncut version or extended cut version or director's cut version or whatever the fuck version it was.... I don't think it was the theatrical version though... Not like I know the difference. But.... Yeah....
  
• Red Beard - This movie was ok. It was quite long actually. I just didn't like it as much as some of the other Kurosawa films. It was still tons better than "Crash" or whatever. But compared to some of the other ones I watched of his movies, it's not as good as, say.... Hidden Fortress or Yojimbo or whatever else I watched.... Still worth watching though, if you never seen this...
  

Anyway.... There you go.... I'll probably be posting these things a lot less frequently. It's pretty grueling to watch this much stuff all the time.... So whatever. I'll post 'em when I post 'em... Hope you liked this one....